Do you ever feel like you are watching your life go by without being in it? It’s pretty scary. What’s even more frightening is that you can have this feeling for years before realizing that something may be wrong. But when you do realize that you drifted, you wonder how much of your life did you really miss and then you reset your course to get back into the present.
I, like many, experience this feeling throughout different times in life. On June 12th I turned 45. My age rarely bothers me; however, this year is weighing heavily on me. According to my estimates, and family history, I’m lucky if I have another 40 years left. I understand this is a lifetime to many but for some reason, it is hitting me hard and panic is surrounding me.
When this feeling starts, I usually disconnect from those around me and go inside my head to refocus my course. Doing this comes at a price. Everyone notices. Everyone comments on how they can tell something is “off” with me. I don’t explain, I usually respond with, “I’m fine.” Because how do you tell people that you just need space and time to refocus? How do you tell people that it’s nothing they can help you with? How do you tell people that you want nothing more than to put yourself into a hole and be alone with your thoughts and to be alone with God?
Jesus did this often. He knew how to spend time in solitude. He knew how to set boundaries. He, unlike me, knew when it was time to be alone with His father. So while I’m in this type of mood, I’m turning to the word of God. I’m letting His word give me solitude, give me peace, and surround me with His love to rid of the panic. After some time, I know His gentle hand will lead me back on course to fulfill my calling. I have to trust that He will grant me enough time to accomplish all that He placed in my life. I have faith in Him.
And in the morning, rising up a great while before day, he went out and departed into a solitary place, and there prayed. ~Mark 1: 35