This week has been yet another in which we find ourselves confronted with the fact that although we may appear and feel as if we are moving forward, we haven’t taken a step. My heart grieves, my soul cries out, and I feel lost. This is not about left or right; it is about trying to process the events and feelings which are overwhelming, scary, confusing, and debilitating.
As I sit here and try to put to words everything I am feeling, I am overcome with sadness and grief. I also feel a sense of helplessness and a need to take action. The lack of words to express my feelings is frustrating. In speaking with a dear friend yesterday, I asked her, “how are you?” She replied with one word, weary. I paused, stared at my phone, and felt myself exhale and my shoulders fall. Weary is exactly how a lot of us are feeling.
I don’t feel the same weariness my friend is feeling. But, the deep understanding of my white privilege, the frustration with trying to ensure equity and access for students, the hard conversations with many a man and woman about race, gender, and social inequities, the books I consumed to be a better person, the looking around at my church and knowing we need to do more, the watching the news to see our nation fall to it’s knees…the sense of helplessness is overwhelming for me.
I am tired. I am the kind of tired you feel in your bones. I am the kind of tired you feel in your heart. I am weary. And that is okay. I have learned to take moments and feelings like this to rest and be still with God. As you try to explain the events to your children, grandchildren, friends, family, students, and yourself…I remind you it is okay to feel weary, it is okay to feel defeated, it is okay to feel grief and sorrow, but don’t stay there, take a step forward. Move towards a deeper understanding, move towards kindness, move towards being uncomfortable…move.